Life's Changes and Feelings

I'm not surprised at all that I haven't updated this blog.  I find that I don't know anyone who reads it anymore,  so why write in it?  This is the one that only a few people know about, and I'm sure the ones that still read my blogs reads from my other one more than this one.  I can't even begin to think that maybe only 2 people still are reading this particular blog ... if that many.  Not that it matters.  I guess I just like the feeling of knowing that someone reads what I write.

I have a lot to do this week, and I can't seem to get motivated to do any of it.  This application for CPE is a daunting task that seems never-ending.   I'm ready for it to be done, but the size of the task ahead makes me not even want to get started on it.  I know I need to, and I really need to get it in the mail, but I haven't quite finished it.  Besides that, I have a lot of work for my classes, which I haven't even began for this week.  I'm preaching at my internship this week, so I have to plan that service.  What a joyous occassion!

I was pondering earlier for no real good reason what it would be like to see Natalie again.  I  know, random.  It isn't something I would willingly do, but I can't help but think about it.  I honestly don't care to be friends with her again -- at least at this point -- and I don't know why I would really want to ever be friends with her again.  We've treated one another badly -- and if you asked each of us individually, we would say that each of us were treated worse than the other.  Bull.  It becomes frustrating sometimes to think that.  I really believe right now I don't care if we ever talk again, but it would certainly be an interesting thing if we did see one another -- without it being planned.  I can imagine what it would be like ... awkward, avoidance, lying, superficial, etc.  I don't even know why I mention this now; guess it was just on my mind tonight.

Besides all of that, there isn't much more to say.  I get to see Weaver next month, and I'm really excited about that.  :-)  I can't wait until her wedding; it should be quite fabulous!  I graduate on May 30, but I'm done with everything at the end of April.  I'll move home during May, and I'll return for graduation.  Otherwise, I'll be preparing my room at home to live in.  I'm excited about moving home.  I think it will be good. 

For now, though, I must go.  Daddy just gave me the OK to buy my ticket for Weaver's wedding!  WOO!  See ya!

I'm really glad that life doesn't stay the same.  I'd probably eventually get bored of certain things, but at the same time, there are things I miss.  There are people I miss when circumstances or life changes.  Here's what's been on my mind today.

This summer, I left everything I knew and had known to be true here on the east coast.  I took my adventurous spirit, my faith, some clothes, and a few books to read.  I also had my computer to help keep me connected to the world I left, but I didn't do a good job of staying connected.  As I was there, I went through many changes.  The biggest change was my faith.  I went from having doubts to actually living in faith.  I'm not sure what God has in store for me, but I live in faith everyday that He knows what's going to happen and when it's going to happen.  I began seeing God in everything that happened -- reasons that I probably would have never noticed, and I was grown so much more than I ever could have by staying in Richmond.  For over a year I'd been saying I wanted to get away from seminary so I could meet other people outside of the school.  It's such a small school, and sometimes it gets bothersome to me that it is a small school.  I was able to get away this summer, and I stepped out a great deal in faith, believing that I would be taken care of. 

When I arrived, I would never have imagined I would have grown as much as I did.  I never would have thought Jesus would have become so powerful in my life, or that I would have met as many folks as I did -- specifically ones that would grow to become very deep and meaningful relationships -- no matter where the people were from.  And it was fabulous.  I missed folks around here, but I wasn't able to give anything of me; I had nothing to give.  I had trouble giving an ear to listen or an email to respond.  Do I regret that?  Yes, in some ways, but no in others.  While I enjoyed my time out there, it's not there I live in 24/7 anymore.  So what do I do with what I learned and how I live it?

That's where my struggle is.  I figure more out everyday about how to coincide the two worlds that meshed.  This summer Lauren came to visit me.  For me, it was very awkward.  While I love Lauren to death (and I think you'll probably read this at some point), I had a very hard time meshing my Colorado world with the world I left.  I wasn't the same person.  I went to find myself, and I was able to experiment with things that are part of who I am and what I needed to figure out.  I know none of that has anything to do with the friends I have in Richmond, but trying to mesh two worlds that, in my mind, don't fit is a very hard thing to do.  And I felt bad ... the time she was visiting and when I came back. 

I don't know where all of this is going, but a lot of this came out today in my counseling.  This was week 2, and both weeks I've talked about changing friendships.  I realize, know, and expect things to change when I leave seminary in May.  I realize that.  I just never thought my senior year of seminary would be the same as my senior year of high school or college.  What do I mean?  Loneliness.  It's been a theme of all my senior years, and I'm really starting to dread having any more senior years -- which I don't expect -- but still.  And it makes me wonder if next semester will be any different.  I wonder if I'll be able to find a place away from the seminary to fit in -- a place that gives to me and that I give to it.  That's what I'd really like.  I'd also like to form friendships, folks I can call when I want to do something or need to talk. 

I miss the connection.  I miss having a person.  I miss a lot of things I used to have in friendships -- the fun, the conversation, the ability to discuss anything, the availability -- all that and more.  I'm not writing this to gain anyone's sympathy or to coerce someone to hang out with me.  That's completely NOT my desire.  I just wanted to send this out.  I don't know of anyone who still reads this particular journal; I don't write in it much anymore. 

I guess that's all for now.  Grey's will be on soon.  I'll watch that, then go to bed.  I'm kind of ready for bed.  It's been a long day.  Soul work.  It's never easy.  I like it, but it's not easy. 

About 2 hours, I wrote here in this journal about feeling like there was a period of life you'd never experienced and you want to experience it.  Well, it was a short entry, but now I'm just going to say it.

I never went through the party phase of life.  I never drank; I never went out and had a good time at the bar or anything like that.  And recently, I've just wanted to drink.  So I did.  Tonight, I went out and bought a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade.  I drank one, and I really had a hard time getting that one down.  I gave the rest to Lauren.  Would I tell the world?  No.  But I wanted to tell someone.  I don't know who all actually reads this thing anymore, but I figured someone out there might see it. 

I guess I just went through growing up so fast because I had to.  I mean, during the years I should have been able to actually live as a teenager, I was dealing with divorce shit, as well as acting like an adult when I wasn't anywhere near one.  GRR!  I'm starting to hate that and kind of resent that.  It's just annoying.  I feel like I didn't have a chance to be a real teen -- one who took chances and stepped out of that circle I was in.  It's like I was stuck.  In some ways, I was.  In other ways, I wasn't.  Even now, I could take more chances, but I don't.  I just sit back and do nothing when I could be out doing whatever -- nothing bad, but just out. 

I don't know why everything seems to be coming up now.  Maybe it's because I realize the end of my schooling career will be coming up soon, and I'll have to take the reigns myself.  I won't have a choice.  Ahhh! 

I'm starting to feel trapped by a lot.  I can't put it into words.  I'm thinking about going back into counseling.  I really think I need it to help talk through some of the stuff in my head.  I'm getting into the way of not talking about myself because I'm used to talking to other people about their issues -- not me talking about mine.  So that's where I stand now.  That's where I am.  I want to talk about me, but I don't know when, or how, or to who.  It's like I've went back inside myself to live.  I hate that.  I want to be out -- I want others to know me.  I want to be able to talk about myself freely! 

And I want to.  I wanted to last night.  And the night before that.  And the night before that.  I really wanted to talk yesterday after class, but I had other things to take care of.  Not only that, but I'm sure after class on Wednesday, I'm going to want to talk to someone too.  :-\  Life is becoming more of a hassle than anything else.  And it's quite frustrating.

And I'm going to bed.  G'night.

... you missed part of life you should have had before, and now you're going back to try and "recapture" that time?

:-\

I think that's where I am.
No.
I know that's where I am.

:-(

This weekend it was said to me "Kim, did I see an engagement ring on your finger?"  Looking at my finger, I said, "Nope.  Nowhere close to it."  This question has become VERY frustrating for me.  I know what both of my parents think about the "un-normal" relationshpis, and neither of them agree with it.  "That's just disgusting."  "Are you watching [Ellen]?  She's nothing but a lesbian."  Those are two direct quotes from my parents in the last two weeks. 

It's really frustrating.  Just in spite of them, I just want to yell -- I won't -- but I want to.  Grr! 

Generalizing the stereotypes:  I'm tired of the issues that stand between people.  I'm tired of "homosexual," "heterosexual," "black," "white," "Mexican," or whatever else.  For weeks I feel like I hear a lot about that kind of stuff.  I hate it.  Why do we put people into categories they cannot come out it?  If you're a lesbian, you're a nasty person -- trashy even.  If you're Mexican, you're lazy and without a care in the world because the white people are paying for you to live in the US.  If you're African American, you still have the place of a servant, or you have to take the second chair to the white person.  And I can't seem to understand why white people think they're so much better.  Along this country's history, that's the way it has been.  I hate to break the pattern of thinking from folks I grew up around, but there is a new thinking these days.  Get out of the old mindset.  I know it's hard, but why can't we see people as people instead of being race or sexual orientation or whatever other difference that sets us apart?  Geez.  It just pisses me off.

I just want to talk openly with someone.  I need to talk openly with someone.  It's almost a wave of emotion coming over me right now -- ugh!  I'm in the library.  This really stinks.  :-(

I'm ready to give up on so much.  I'm ready to let go and walk out.  I'm ready to just push through and be done with seminary.  I think it's going to be so much easier, but it probably won't be.  At least I won't have to work all day, then come home and write papers or read 100s of pages of crap I don't care about.  Maybe at that point I can read stuff I want to read. 
I'm going home.  Screw the paper for tonight.  I'll do it tomorrow night.  I don't have the brain power to write it tonight -- or my heart in the right place.   

:'(

There are a lot of things I could write about tonight, and I know it's because I'm tired that I'm a bit pissy.  Anyway, I'm really frustrated right now at a lot of things.  I was talking to Daddy tonight, and that started it.  Well, actually, last night with Mama started it.  She commented on something, and I didn't respond to her, but it wasn't a good thing.  And I'm just tired of certain struggles.  It's becoming too much. 

I guess if we all loved a little more, there wouldn't be any hate in the world.
That's all I want to say bout that right now.

A few things you should know before reading the rest of this entry. 

1)  I have to be in a small group for my internship.  I've got one who dominates conversation and talks a lot.  There are three guys who tend to talk when they want.  And then, there's Brittani.  She's the rather cynical, pessimistic person of our group.
2)  Brittani is dating Adam.  It's been almost a year.

So, on with the entry.  Today, our conversation ended up being on the best advice given to us by ministers about ministry.  I quickly knew what I was going to talk about, so when the conversation came to me, I was ready to go. 

The best advice I've had was said such as follows:

"Kim, I trust you believe in God and will follow Him.  This youth program is yours, and you are in control of it.  Do what God tells you to do with it, and know I'm behind you supporting everything you do.  The only time I'm going to step in and take action is when something goes wrong.  That's it.  It's yours.  Take it and run."

So, then I talked about how nice it is to not have micro-managing supervisors who tend to have control and want control over everything.  I then went on to talk about how I've had 2 (but really I've had 3) ministries where I wasn't controlled; I was given the authority to run how I wanted to, see what worked, and fall on my face when it didn't work.  But, there was just that one ministry setting where something just wasn't good. 

Brittani says, "Let me guess who was the micro-managing control freak."
I said, "Let's not go there."
Brittani said to our leader, "I'm dating him."

Yes, yes, you are.  Brittani, you are dating the control freak.  It's annoying.  Her little cockiness doesnt cut it with me, and it's not going to.  I find it ironic that she tends to bring it up when it isn't even an issue.  Yes, you're dating him, but my working with him is in the past.  I wasn't going to mention names, and no one in the group was probably even thinking it was Adam even though it was.  Ya know?  So why are you bringing shame to him by saying you are dating him?  Why does everyone need to know you are dating him?  And really, who freaking cares you are dating him?  Seriously.  Grow up and get a real life.  He wasn't the topic.  I basically just said I couldn't work with him the way his personality is.  Did I say that was bad?  No, not once.  All I implied was that I couldn't work with that or for that; I needed the freedom without someone always breathing down my neck. 

Anyway, I thought the conversation was funny earlier today, but it's rather pissing me off tonight. 

This is one of the few days I actually miss being a youth minister.  A few reasons:
1)  I could stay in sweat pants and a hoodie all day
2)  The kids are in school, so I wouldn't necessarily have too much work to do.
3)  I could work from home.

Haha.  I feel really lazy today.  That's okay though.  I have class at 11:15 this morning, then internship after that for three hours.  Homework tonight.  And I'l start over again in the morning.  The day isn't too bad, but I'm just not a fan of small group interactions like I have in class today.  I'm not as much of a fan of this group as I am of the Wednesday small group I have.  I'm more comfortable in that one than my internship one.

Either way.  I need to get up and get moving. 

I'm going to Castalia this weekend!  :-)  WOO HOO!
I'm VERY excited!

Until then ... class, homework, and internship!  YAY for week 5 of classes!
Fall break:  2 weeks!
(not sure about Thanksgiving, Christmas, or China)
Graduation: 235 days!

But who's counting?  ;-)

Ta ta for now!

I haven't updated in 5 weeks!?!?!?!  Okay, okay.  I haven't updated to this blog in 5 weeks!  That's a really long time!  I'm starting to miss writing, so I'm trying to get back in the writing process ... writing as in journaling, not writing papers.  Speaking of, I'm behind.  Imagine that.  Anyway, I wanted to write for several reasons. 

I'm not admitting stuff to myself about a lot of things... or to anyone else.  I'm afraid of what might actually come out.

I'm stuffing shit down and further down instead of dealing with it.

I stay tired.  I want to be able to laugh and cut up and have a good time with folks my age.  I want time to just work itself out.  I want to be able to see folks and hang out with folks, and not worry about what work has to get done by what time.  This summer was just fabulous for working and hanging out with favorites at the same time.  :-)

Speaking of summers ... that's the other topic I have been thinking about.  While I really enjoyed this summer, I'm struggling with saying it's been the best summer.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be the best, but it's been the most healthiest summer experience I've ever had.  It's been the most growing, the most learning, the most out of my comfort zone experience.  It still wasn't the best.  And I knew in my head this summer, and even after returning, that when I said it was my favorite summer, it wasn't.  My most favorite summer was in 2005 ... my second summer in Castalia.  That was the summer Natalie and I began our friendship, and it was the most I'd grown in one community ... living, working, and not even having a balanced life.  I was always on the go, probably as much as I was this summer, but 2005 was still the best.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm struggling with whether to contact Natalie.  It's been on my mind for a while now, but I keep pushing it away.  I'm going to Castalia next weekend for their Homecoming, and I've thought about asking her to get together for dinner or something of the sorts.  I would promise not to talk about the past, or at least bring it up.  I don't know ... I guess what's going through my mind is my telling her we couldn't have a friendship until she was able to talk about the past with me.  But, the more I think about that statement, the more I'm not sure it's really true.  We could have a friendship, and by her hanging out with me and realizing I'm not who I used to be, things would be different.  I'm not as easy-going as I once was, and I do speak my mind more.  I think I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I won't let myself be who I've become to be, and I'm afraid I will build dependence on her again.  I'm afraid of the expectations that are already there.  I'm really struggling about this.  For two years, she hasn't been part of my life.  That's so unreal.  I think of her often ... especially since she's up on my picture wall.  When I put that picture up, I walked past it, and I just stuck my hand on it, and I just prayed for her.  I knew I had to, and I still pray for her.  I pray that God will bring people into her life that will allow her to step outside of her comfort zone, people that will befriend her and help her to be healthy, people that will encourage her to start going back to church, and people that can fulfill the need for having people close.  I don't want to fix her; I want her to be who she is.  And I don't know if that is possible for either of us.  I want it to be, but I'm just not sure.  I still believe that one day this friendship will be reconciled, though she doesn't think there needs to be any reconciliation.  She just thinks we're friends that took a much-needed break and that we'll just begin catching up like old times.  I don't see that as being the case.  There has to be some kind of reconciliation at some point; two years without talking is a long time to just go without talking, without being friends, for us to just catch up. 

Who knows.

I think a lot about the times I spent with her ... healthy or not.  I thought specifically earlier today about a time she stayed up with me until 4am.  I heard a song that reminded me of her ... I downloaded Skillet's latest CD, and there's a song on there called "Those Nights."  The chorus is what really brought it to mind:

"Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times n my life
Those nights kept me alive
We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive ..."

That night I was in Boone.  I don't really remember the week that led up to these events.  I knew there was a counseling session.  I was having spastic movements of the body I couldn't control; it wasn't a seizure at all, but I couldn't stop shaking.  The anxiety, the built-up tension and anger inside of me made me upset quite often.  Most nights during the weeks, I couldn't stop shaking.  This particular night, we were laying in bed, and I was having one of my moments.  It was the worse one I had had.  We laid there, talking, and all of a sudden, I started shaking during the conversation.  It was about my dad.  I would always get nervous when he would come into my room at his house and lay down beside me on the floor where I had been sleeping.  I couldn't take it this particular night in Boone.  He wasn't there, but the memory was so vivid.  Natalie just held me ... she held me so tight to make me stop shaking.  It didn't work, but she tried as hard as she could.  She didn't ask questions, but instead just held me, rocking me back and forth as a mother would do.  She reminded me of what Stacey (my counselor) had said -- go to your happy place ... think about something that makes you happy.  So I started talking about tennis ... I thought about how I was playing tennis ... and I kept saying "forehand" and "backhand" like I was playing a match with someone.  I started to calm down, but it took a while.  That night stands so vivid in my mind ... the whole experience of how she became so entangled in my world ... she was there in the midst of the night when I was at my lowest points.  She's been the only human there in my lowest points.  I've had some other low points, and some of you have been there, but she was at the lowest.  That's my connection with her, and it hurts not having that anymore.  I want that, and I really am starting to want that even more than before.  I feel like a child saying that. 

Anyway.  That's really all I've got for now.  I just want to talk out loud.  Will that happen?  Probably not anytime soon.  That's life, though.  I want to finish my paper, then lay down while my laundry is finishing.  Maybe that will happen soon ... catch you all later.  Thanks for caring enough to read.

One thing I've learned in the last year and a half is to be honest with myself.  I think I've finally done that.  

I feel completely like I accept myself now.  I can talk a bit freer; I can live a bit freer ... sometimes.

This is an odd feeling.

I feel like I'm finally embracing who I am ... who I am becoming ... 

... it's pretty awesome.

:-)

It's amazing the way God works.

You probably won't understand this entry, and I'm okay with that.  Only a handfull of people know the situation I'm talking about, and no one else really needs to know what's going on with it.

I finally have something good.  At least to me it's good.  I've enjoyed it so far.  I'm not really wanting to let it go.

But, God says I have to let it go ... not one part of it, but just the extra stuff.  
I'm not going to lie; it makes me very sad.

And I'm feeling really weak right now.  I'm feeling like I can't give this over ... there isn't enough strength in me to do it because I'm having a hard time letting it go.  It's something I desperately want to hold on to, but I can't.  

It's always been a struggle.  Now I can say I've been there, done that, and have moved on.  
Answer confirmed.
Struggle not relieved at this point, but maybe someday.

I'm going to take a nap. 
G'night.

Her name is Genny.  I've written about her before, but I can't even begin to describe the peace I gain from this friendship.  I have several ladies at the Harvest House that I know I can count on, but it's Genny that I have the connection with.  Let me tell you about her.  

She's 23, will be 24 this year.  She has a four year old daughter named Isabella, who doesn't live at the Harvest House right now, but she's going to court for her on the 30th.  (She's asked me to go to court with her, and I told her I would go.)  Genny has such a genuine heart.  She tells me I'm her first real friend.  She isn't my first, but she is by far someone I am deeply connected to.  Can I tell you what she's done for me this past weekend?

Friday night, I went to the prayer meeting at the house, and I ended up spending the night.  Well, I had planned to spend the night.  But, Sunshine started talking about our time at the house last Saturday where they surrounded me with prayer and helped me find scripture to help me deal with where I am in life.  And ask they talked about it, I sat there thinking about it.  Then all who were there last Saturday were pointing out all these things that made more connections in my head (because I don't make connections very well).  So, then Becky, the leader, asked me if it was okay for them to pray over me.  So, I said yes.  They prayed over me.  I definitely was taken back by the fact that they were all praying with their hands on me and such.  I don't think I was slain, but I remember not being able to move ... like, I was just sitting there.  Becky asked me if I wanted more, so I told her yes ... I do want more ... I want more of Jesus.  I want that personal relationship with him, to get to know him.  So, I did what she said, and I continued to sit there, and they all started praying in tongues around me.  It was pretty freaky, to be honest ... and I was more interested in what they were saying, and I got distracted.  I was so tense ... my legs were shaking, and I couldn't stop them.  I walked away from the experience feeling even more of a skeptic than I really was already feeling like.  That night, Genny and I walked to our room, and we sat on her bed.  She asked me if I was okay, and I told her no.  Because I wasn't.  I really needed to talk to someone, so we sat there writing back and forth since the other sisters were already trying to get to sleep.  It was weird.  We both have real reservations about this friendship, but we decided we would pursue a friendship amidst all of our reservations.  She doesn't know all my reservations, but I told her it was very similar to my friendship with Natalie, and that one had ended.  Anyway, we went to sleep that night because it was late and we both had to work the next morning.

So, Saturday comes.  Genny can tell I'm not alright; she's already able to read me ... she's always asking if I'm okay.  My typical answer is not really because generally when she asks, I'm not.  Anyway, we work all day, and we got off work early.  I was sitting around with the ladies while they were waiting on their ride, and Genny and I were talking.  It wasn't anything major, but it was still nice to just be able to talk.  I guess she and I, while we are pretty good friends, we haven't had much time to just sit down and talk ... just the two of us.  She was telling me about her day and her experience with something specific.  There are just so many questions I want to ask, but with others around, it's hard to just ask them ... so I wait.  Then, the opportunity doesn't present itself, but I hope it will soon.  

Saturday night comes, and I'm back at the house to practice the human video for the talent show here at the YMCA.  I got volunteered for the part of Jesus, so I get to be Jesus during this song!  It's awesome ... yeah, God completely is going to use that ... I can already feel it.  Anyway, we were sitting there, and it was taking forever to get through the song.  Genny speaks up because I hadn't written my sermon for today yet.  She told Jessica we needed to get to my part (which is at the END of the song), and Jessica speeds everything up to get to my part.  We finish that, and Genny and Sunshine sit down with me at the table where I was.  It was pretty awesome being able to sit there with them.  

I forgot to mention that when I had gotten there, I was introduced to a lady named Denise, who has visited the house once before.  She met Sharon (the mom) at the hospital and was drawn to her.  I met her, and she prayed to receive Jesus about 20 minutes after I got there.  While we were standing there in the circle, Sharon asked if anyone else had something to pray about.  Well, person after person started praying ... and about the time I was going to pray, Sharon picks back up and closes it out.  I was going to pray to be broken ... I really felt the need to pray that in the circle we were in ... I prayed it internally, but I needed it to be said.  Genny was beside me, and she asked me if I was okay.  She hugged me, and I told her I just wanted to be broken ... I wanted all my walls to come down.  

So, later that evening, while we were sitting there, Genny and Sunshine were talking to me.  I was zoning in and out, Genny was trying to write her daughter a letter while talking and zoning in and out, and Sunshine was talking with me about things God was doing in her life.  Sitting around the table last night, we held hands and prayed that I would be able to be broken ... that my walls would fall down, actually that they would be shattered.  

Continuing on, they prayed for me to finish my sermon and would be given the words, as well that I would be refreshed this morning when I woke up.  They went on to bed, and I sat in there writing ... the words came in like 20 minutes, so I went to bed.  Genny was still up, so we said a few words to each other, and we went on to bed.  Somewhere around 2:45am, I woke up with a massive headache.  Like, seriously, there was a shooting pain from the back of my  neck to the top of my head straight into my left eye.  I prayed, and it wouldn't relieve the pain.  It hurt so bad ... it hurt to lay my head on the pillow, it made me sick on my stomach, and I couldn't open my eyes without massive amounts of pain.  As I laid there, I desperately needed medicine, so I got up, rummaged through my bad, and I found some I didn't know was there.  I crawled back up to the top bunk, and I still was in a lot of pain.  I couldn't get still, and I was seriously moaning because it hurt so bad.  Well, I decided a heating pad would work because that would allow blood to flow quicker to the brain and the painful areas, so I got up out of bed again, and I woke Genny up.  I told her what was going on, and I asked if they had a heating pad.  She went and found one, and I went to the living room with it.  She plugged it up for me, but she wouldn't go back to bed.  She sat in there with me the whole time.  As I laid there on the couch twisting and groaning, she held my hand.  She prayed for me.  I told her she could go back to bed, but she wouldn't.  She did go and get a blanket, asked if I wanted one, got me a cup of water (which I didn't even know she did), and she came back.  I lifted my feet so she could sit at the end of the couch I was laying on, and she pulled my legs up on top of her.  By this point, the heating pad was helping slightly, and I eventually fell asleep.  So did she.  My legs started hurting, or well, going numb, so I had to move.  I rolled off the couch in a fashion that would bring me to my knees, and I could tell my headache was gone enough that I could go lay down in bed.  I woke her up, and she went back to bed ... and I followed suit.  As I was climbing back into bed, she said she loved me and hoped I slept well.  

I got up this morning when the clock went off, and she had asked me to wake her up so she could get up and get started on her chores (it's her week to do dishes, as well as help cook the meal on Sunday).  I woke her up, and immediately she asked how I was feeling and if I got any sleep at all.  I told her I was better, and that I had gotten some sleep.  I showered, and she had fallen back asleep, so I woke her up again.  She jumps out of bed to ensure that she wouldn't go back to sleep, and we went into the dining room to do our quiet times.  I finished mine up, got my stuff together, talked with Bridget for a moment, then went to tell Genny I was leaving.  As she did last week when I left, she hugged me, and as she hugged me, she prayed for me ... asking God to renew me today, to bless the messages I was giving, as well as to protect me.  She told me she loved me and would see me Tuesday.  

I feel overwhelmed.  I feel that way because God would bless me with a friend like her.  I feel that way because everything is so set and timed so perfectly.  I feel overwhelmed that God would put another person in my life that had a connection with me as Natalie did, but that this time, it's in such a healthier way.  It's SO overwhelming.  Like, I'm moved to tears tonight at the thought of Genny and her friendship.  It's so incredible.  I wonder why God was willing to give me this again ... I guess maybe this time He knew I could get it right or something ... or maybe this is just another of his majestic wonders (which it no doubt is completely).  I've been given a friend, yet again, that I've connected with on such a deeper level ... on a personal level though our stories are so different ... on a spiritual level that I can talk about anything I'm feeling.  It blows my mind I would be given this opportunity again ... to have someone so physically close to me (as in distance) ... someone who's willing to give me hugs at the drop of a hat, puts their arm around me while we're standing somewhere, not afraid to tell me she loves me, not afraid to pray for me at anytime or at any place.  Words can't describe.  And the great thing ... it's a feeling that doesn't come with those other feelings.  There's a desire to know her in such a healthy way that it scares me.  Odd, isn't it?  It scares me that this could be healthy.  

One of her fears is that I'll leave in August, and we will never talk again.  I told her not to worry about that.  I would definitely make time for her in my world.  I care about her that much.  She told me the other day that she wanted to be a good friend to me because she never felt like she was.  And she wanted to be there for me in the way she never had been for anyone else.  She said she had never had a friend that was there for her because of the way she had treated them.  I told her she could always count on me ... no matter where we were at in life.  She almost started crying.  

I can't explain the connection I have with her.  I fear that one day this friendship might, too, fail, and I hate fearing that.  I guess it's always a question in the back of my mind about whether or not we'll stay friends.  But, as the verse in my head last week was "perfect love casts out fear."  I'm so glad there can be perfect love.  Because of that perfect love, I don't have to fear; I just have to trust.  And I'm working on that.  It's so hard, but it's so needed.  And while I still fear that this friendship might one day fail, we are still able to be friends now ... working on what's happening now, and not paying attention to the future.  It's a one day at a time sort of thing.  And I think that's pretty awesome.

So I want you all to know Genny; I would love it if you could meet her.  She truly is a blessing to me.  God is using her to open my eyes to a whole new way of friendship ... one like I had before, but in a healthy way.  God is using all of the ladies at the Harvest House to open my eyes to a whole new way of being, to a whole new way of living.  And it's pretty incredible, as well as pretty overwhelming.  

Thanks be to God.

I've got a peaceful feeling inside of me, but there's a lot raging around inside of there.  It's an odd feeling, but I'm content with what I'm feeling, and I know this is going to sound really odd because of my recent postings (recent as in a month or so ago) and how I felt last year towards several people.

So, I was sitting on the toilet (I know ... TMI, as well as, why there??? -- I'm learning not to question where and how it comes), and for some reason this thought came to me:  "You don't know what it is to truly like someone ... to have that feeling towards someone."  I don't know what it means to truly like someone.  That statement hits me like a ton of bricks, and I don't know why.  It just does.  I guess there's already so much raging inside of me, and I feel like there's a lot of things inside of me that feels like a river flowing down the mountain.  Right now, there is so much snow at the top of the mountain that is melting, the rivers flowing that melted snow are simply raging.  I feel like right now God is taking a lot of the build-up of "snow" inside of me and melting it.  The hurt, the anger, the desire to manipulate .... anything like that .... it's being melted away.  I guess I have two examples of that this week.

My situation with Adam has been cleared ... or shall I say we cleared the air.  We're now talking online, and the phone lines are open for communication if either of us needs it or wants it.  The phone thing is a little weird, but at least we can talk online without a problem.  Know what I'm saying?

Then, there's this whatever with Natalie.  I haven't thought a whole lot about her writing, but it does intrigue me quite a bit.  I still wonder if that was her secret I posted on here a while back.  I guess if we keep talking, then I'll ask.  I did write back tonight ... simple answers to her questions, and I did give a little more information.  I feel like I bragged about my life going so well right now, but honestly, I put all the glory on God where it belongs.  I told her I couldn't fathom everything God was doing, and it couldn't be put into words.  I didn't tell her I was spending the summer in Colorado.  I was cautious to the information I gave, not wanting to reveal myself to begin with.  I need her to take that step first.  So now, I wait, without really waiting, for a response.  If I get one, then good.  If I don't, she hasn't been there really for a year and a half, so what difference does it make?  I can't say it isn't great to have some kind of connection again, but it's definitely NOT going to dictate my life again.  I won't let it, as I'm sure she won't either.

Anyway, off that subject.  I really haven't talked about it very much, so there's becoming a build-up of emotion there, but I think I'm dealing with it in a healthy way.

Okay, seriously.  Back to this "You don't know what it's like to truly like someone."  I mean, I had feelings for Adam last year, or so I thought.  The more I think about it, the more I say I liked him simply because it was convenient, as well as the fact that he was there when Natalie wasn't.  He was a male, and I enjoyed the feeling I had around him.  I'm not sure it was really a true "like" kind of feeling.  

Then, there's Michael, which I wrote about a few weeks ago ... like maybe not even a month ago.  I thought I liked him.  No, I liked his friendship.  I liked the fact that he wanted to hang out with me.  I liked the fact that he's a really great friend of mine.  I liked all the aspects of him ... until his language started really coming out, then I struggled with it.  I do still care for him, and I truly do love hanging out with him.  He's so much more tame when it's just him, but that's not his true, real self.  He's leaving next week to go home.  I'm really going to miss him, though I haven't seen him very much recently.  He got some of the realest parts of me, and I'm going to miss having him around ... his laughter ... him.  I hope we keep in touch when he leaves.  I think we will, but it's going to take effort on both of our parts.  :-)  When two people care, it doesn't matter the distance between them ... they'll do anything to make it work.  That's what I've learned this summer.

So, if I don't know what it's truly like to like someone, what is it I know?  Is it lust ... is it the desire to have someone there?  Is it a mix of both of those?  What is going on then?  Will I ever know what it's like to have those feelings?  Will there be someone there one day for me to like that way?  Will that happen soon?  Are these all valid questions?  I guess they are, but it seems hard to take.  I've had crushes, and I guess that is what you could call Michael and Adam and whoever else along the way.  Apparently my liking someone didn't last for a long time ... or else I would still like them, and we might still be together today.  I'm really not worried about it, but it's just odd that it comes up tonight.  It's just odd that it comes up now ... at a time I wasn't even thinking about ANYTHING remotely close to that.  Seriously, I was sitting on the toilet!!!  Wow.  

I don't know.  It was odd.  I guess with everything else going on this week, there just had to be something else.  :-)  I guess God really thinks I can take all this in at once.  It's getting harder and harder.  It's really becoming too much right now.  My mind is so full, my heart is overflowing, and I am starting to feel like I'm getting flooded.  While I truly am grateful for all these blessings, answered prayers, or whatever else it could be, I'm still struggling accepting it all!  And I don't feel like talking because I'm SO tired from it all piling up, so all I want to do is sleep.  I mean, I want to be surrounded by people, but I just don't want to talk.  Or maybe I do, and I just haven't figured that out yet.  

It has been a long day.  I think I might go to bed early so I can get some rest tonight.  I hope you all are doing well.  And how odd is it that when I end this entry, "Held" by Natalie Grant comes on the radio ... a song that was completely meaningful to me just a few years ago.  Part of me wants to be numb to all of this ... but I don't at all want to be numb.  I want to remember.  I want to experience.  I want to move through and on with life.  That is what I need.  Ahhhhhh!!!!  Thanks for listening.

This comes up as a result of an email from Natalie today.  It was out of the blue, but it's really got me to thinking.

1)  It happened during the summer.
2)  I was given a stuffed animal of some kind.
3)  We spent a lot of time together.
4)  I am surrounded by this other person's family.
5)  Body type is the same.
6)  Lots of affection (hugs, "I love yous")

It's too similar.  I went to the Harvest House tonight, and Genny told me she had something to show me.  I walked to our room (because I'm still pretty sure I'll be moving there, or at least living there for a few nights a week), and she told me to look up on my bed (I got the top bunk), and there on the pillow was a purple frog.  I had used it the other night when I spent the night because I left my pillow here at the YMCA, and I have to have something to tuck under my arm.  So anyway, she gave me her frog.  I almost teared up.  She's so sweet and so very giving. 

But, I'm watching myself.  I'm watching this friendship.  And I've gotta admit, I'm quite scared.  But, I'm freakin' determined the past isn't going to repeat itself.  It won't.  It won't.  It won't.  It can't.

And now I'm going to bed ....... happy!!  :-)

I'm sorry, yo, but if I decide to move out, your guilt trip is NOT going to work on me.

The benefits of moving are so much greater than the benefits of living here.

And Michael's leaving at the end of the month.  Yeah.

I'd rather move.

Depending on my meeting tonight with Sharon, I could be a guest of the Harvest House.

And I'm freakin' excited about it!

Guilt trip.

HA.

I don't think so.

Not anymore.

I'm stronger than that.

I can't sleep.  I've been up for probably two hours or so, and the lack of sleep is weighing in heavily on me.  It really bothers me, but I just couldn't sleep.  I slept for about four hours last night, if that, and tonight hasn't been much better.  I'm due to get up in about an hour and a half, and I'm really getting sleepy again.  My mind has been my biggest battle recently as I've tried to sleep.  There are so many things running through it, and I'm beginning to try to calm everything going through it.  

I typically write at night when I'm awake, but tonight I read.  I read the next chapter in The Ragamuffin Gospel, which is easily becoming one of my favorite books, or well, it is already.  I've been reading the book since before I got here, and in the last few weeks, I just haven't read it.  I've either not had time, nor the mental desire to read anything other than the Bible, and I've even struggled in reading that recently, too.  

Tonight's reading dealt with fear.  I guess I've struggled with that recently, and I mentioned it in my Colorado blog yesterday or something like that.  I fear letting go.  I fear becoming vulnerable, though I already am.  I fear not doing certain things.  And I could continue.  I think the biggest thing right now is my fear of becoming vulnerable to my friends at the Harvest House.  I fear becoming vulnerable because I think I will be judged by my words and struggles.  I know that to not be true, but there is a fear there.  These ladies have become vulnerable to me, sharing the intricate details of their past, of their family situations, of not being good parents.  I have been let into that world so much.  If I was honest with myself as thoughts have flown through my mind tonight, I would love to become a resident there.  No, I'm not on drugs, nor do I really have much of a past, but I desire so bad to be in community like they are in.  I want that so badly, and I've wanted it for a long time.  I want people to be up in my space, and I want to have close relationships with people as they have.  I won't be moving in with them, and all of those things are possible without living in community.  I have formed relationships with people, and it has been absolutely amazing!  God really does keep blessing!  I want to be so close to a group of people that they call me out in my wrongdoings.  I want people to be there through the good times and the bad.  I want people to accept me for who I am ... not what I can project myself into being.

And it's fear that holds me back.  Fear.  And it all seems crazy in my head ... why fear!?  "Perfect love casts out fear."  Perfect love.  Yes, I've experienced it.  I've experienced it in friends forgiving me.  I've experienced it in God/Jesus.  I've experienced it in being able to forgive myself.  I've seen it at work through compassion on others.  It's real.  Perfect love.  I want to continue seeing it embodied in my life.  I don't fear God; I stand in awe of Him.  I don't fear death, for I know it will lead me into life.  

I've lost any words I've had to write.  I'm going to lay down now.  Will you pray that the perfect love of friendship will cast out the fear of becoming vulnerable?  I'd really appreciate it.  G'night.

just because it's something I do ... think too much ... I wonder if I'll hear from Natalie today.  My hopes are by NO means up or high or even at slightly hopeful.  No, instead, there is no hope that I will hear from her ... maybe hope isn't the right word.  I don't know the word.  There is no expectation ... that's the word.  I guess within the next 24 hours I will find out.  My life isn't going to be any less happy if I don't hear from her.  I guess is some ways it would continue to have closed the door, and maybe even solidified to me that the door has been completely shut.  Know what I mean?  In some ways, that is what I'm hoping for.  I'd probably fall out of my chair if she actually did contact me in some way.  Haha.  

But I am VERY excited about today regardless of whether or not I hear from her!  This is the first year in a really long time that I remember being this excited about what's going to happen!  I don't have just one group represented in my dinner collection of friends, but instead I have several!  YAY for that!!!!  It's really fabulous!  :-)  I'm really excited, and I can't really sleep right now, so ya know.  I guess that's why I'm writing. 

If I'm up early enough, I'm going to watch the sun come up over the mountains ... and I'll probably have my quiet time up there, as well.  YAY!  We'll see what happens ... it really is 1am, and I really need to get some sleep!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!  YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-D

I read this Sunday.  

Part of me wishes it was her.
A lot of me wishes it was her.

She has come up a lot this summer.  I told Weaver and Michael about her.  I mentioned her tonight at the Harvest House. 

I don't know why.  

I have nothing more to say right now about it.

 It's interesting.

I'm tired of the weather here, as I wrote in my other journal.  And I decided to be vulnerable in it, too, about my spiritual life.  You can read it if you want.  You should have the link somewhere ... I'm too lazy to post it here.

Besides that, I'm tired of having to go places.  I'm ready to sit still for a while.  I'm glad I'm getting out and exploring, but I just want to sit and be still.  I want to be alone.  I want to get away and be silent.  I want to be left alone for a while.  That won't really happen.  I have to work with people all day long.  I hang out with people at night.  That's my life.  While I love it, I want to be alone.  I wish I had an escape ... I think that's what I miss the most about the east coast ... or one of the things I miss the most ... having an escaping place to get away to.  

When I was at home, I could go to Donna's.  When I was in Castalia, it was my escape, or I would go riding around, or go to church.  When I'm in Richmond, I could go to Steve and Peggy's, or I could go to Castalia, or I could just hide away in my room at the Cauble's.  I miss them.  I miss them a lot ... especially Nancy.  I miss our talks, our ability to struggle through stuff together.  I miss having that constant contact.  I miss that family ... Nancy, George, and Dave.  I got so used to them that I miss them like crazy.  I miss having that family atmosphere.  I miss being able to go downstairs for a laugh from such subtle humor, I miss Puppy and having a dog around all the time, and I miss living away from where I was at everyday.  

I don't think I"ve let myself feel truly sad and homesick.  Yes, I was feeling it last week, but I ignored it by surrounding myself with people.  That isn't the way I work.  That isn't the way I roll.  I need to go and just be alone for a while ... just to get away ... just to feel sad.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  So, I think I'm going to do that. 

Without recalling all the events I just listed in an email, it's been a pretty rough kind of day.

Weaver and I went by ourselves to Wal-Mart.  I had struggled today with taking someone else with us, but that didn't happen.  We had had too many people this afternoon at work without taking someone else with us ... someone that doesn't talk and just sits there.  It makes for awkward moments and such.  So what difference does it make that we went to Wal-Mart by ourselves?

The story came out.  Yeah, that's the one ... the whole Natalie story.  At some point on our trip, I mentioned twice "the girl I'm not friends with anymore," and she asked why we weren't friends anymore.  I told her it was a disagreement at first, and then something compelled me to tell the story.  I don't know why, but I did.  And it was hard to do ... I mean, the story was easy to tell.  I know it well enough and can spit it out in a New York minute, but it hurt.  By the end of the story, I was in tears.  I can feel the pain, and it hurts.  I could feel the tears earlier tonight as we rode back to the YMCA, I could feel them as I prayed earlier, and I could feel them as I poured myself into an email.  I don't know why I told her the story, but I did.  She didn't say anything when I finished.  I'm sure she didn't know what to say, so I don't fault her for being quiet.  

Either way, the topic has me up ... I woke up around 2:30am, though I haven't really slept tonight, or even last night.  It is now 3:52am.  Having moved has gotten me off track, and it's been difficult to stay asleep until I get used to this place.  I think I might take some Nyquil tonight to help me sleep.  If I didn't have to work today, I would completely take some now.  But, alas, I have another day's work before I get a day off.  Good times.  Anyway, it's just been an odd night.  Having had a dream about Natalie last week and us talking again was a bit weird, too.  I thought about emailing her, but I can't ... I dont have the words to say, nor do I think she wants to hear from me.  I thought about sending her a postcard I bought that completely reminded me of her, but I won't.  I'll spend my 24 cents on someone else.  I'll give to people who actually care about me.  :-)  People who actually do invest in my life.  I can't say it isn't easy to forget her ... she had my complete heart ... she pretty much controlled it.  While I'm glad I'm out of that and am truly grateful for what's happened since then, I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt at times.  And I can't say that because it does.  

I think I'm going to pee and try to get back to sleep ... try being the key word there.  You all have a great Saturday!